Monday, September 17, 2012





Thursday, March 19, 2009

It's been a long time!

Bloody hell it's been a long time since anyone blogged on the site so thought I would give it a go and see if I could remember how to log on and post a blog .... and I remembered.

The branch has a new website:

It has just been updated mainly to assist me as the old format had to be updated regulary so the new one should be okay for quite a while.

Hopefully some more of the bloggers will remember how to log on and post a few blogs as this site brought some good humour when we needed it!

Monday, May 05, 2008

Billy's Day out at Bolton

Well it was the last away game of the 2007/2008 season and for once we were not looking over our shoulders and biting those already heavily bitten finger nails; we were safe from the dreaded drop and could relax a little.
Nephew Billy decided to drive and brought with him little nephew Billy and picked up father Billy before dropping into Coxha to pick up uncle Billy who decided to bring with him an assortment of top rated CD's all with SAFC in mind to raise expectations for a great day and night out. We picked up cousin Billy at the posh end of Bishop Middleham and dropped down onto the A1(M) at about 10.45.
The craic was good until uncle Billy decided to stick in the first CD of his most sought after collection - Mackem Music. After fully playing the first few tracks it was skip to the next one and the next one until the CD was finished; uncle Billy's taste was not to the liking of the other Billy's cries of "crap" and "are they making up the words" were heard from all sections of the brand new Kia motor nephew Billy had bought out of his pocket money. So it was back to Radio 2 and Jonathon "Fucking" Ross for the rest of the way down to Oldham that was to be our location for the week-end.
We arrived at the Inn Keepers lodge Oldham about 12.30 too early for checking in so it was straight to the bar - uncle Billy decided on a cider while the other Billy's chose their normal tipple of cold lager. A quick call to the local taxi cab and we were off to a local watering house that had been frequented by father Billy and nephew Billy and possibly little nephew Billy as once we were in the bar it was like meeting old friends for the three of them; uncle Billy and cousin Billy found a spot near the big screen as Man U were already beating West Ham 1:0. Uncle Billy had brought with him some home made bacon butties so he and cousin Billy scoffed into them as Man U went 3 up before the butties were down our necks. The other Billy's were at the bar in good voice as they discussed what they had been upto since their last visit and the annual pilgrimage Tenerife. Uncle Billy had another whisky before half time when it was announced grub was being served for nowt in the adjoining lounge. Off went cousin Billy like a shot' the carpet nearly catching fire due to the speed of his feet, it was chilli-con-carne with bread pieces. Uncle Billy decided on another whisky and as the chilli smelt good decided to detour through the lounge and filled up his plate. Great chilli nice and spicy that left a tingle on your tongue perhaps too hot as it seemed to leave a burning feeling all over but that did not stop cousin Billy going in for seconds and a few more pieces of bread. By the time we had our fill the Man U game was over and they had won to probably ensure the title was theirs as the scum will probably do okay at home to Chelsea (don't believe I am writing this) A taxi was called but we could only get 3 Billy's in as it was not a Billy carrier like we had ordered - where do you want to go was the question - the Inn Keepers lodge was our answer - blank look on the taxi drivers face so we told him to turn right at the lights and head for the roundabout. Luckily nephew Billy and little nephew Billy had cadged a lift from a friend and they passed us at the lights - follow that car we all shouted to the taxi driver!
So it was back to the hotel and a quick sup before meeting up with Derek and his son who had been to the Man U match nephew Billy phoned for Big Al to come and pick us up leaving little Billy in his room to watch the racing; it was about 16.00 and we were off to Bolton's ground. As we neared the ground we all thought that nephew Billy had been eating pickled onions as he kept repeating there's the ground on the right, there's the slip road were we will be dropped off and picked up and we will have to find a meeting point to meet up after the game.
We walked about 10 minutes from the slip road to the ground and as father Billy was in the home end we made sure he was safely in before we entered the away end; cousin Billy went in before us as he was either busting for a pee or he wanted to sly down a pie before we saw him scranning again. It was a few flight of stairs up to the bar area - it was hot and crowded, met up with Stevie W who was moaning again about their trip and drink into Blackpool - calls of lost the plot and it took us ages to get their were still ringing in my ears as I looked for my seat. Cousin Billy was already seated and smiling when I took my seat next to him - was that gravy down his cheeks?
Game on and here we go the Mackem's were happy, singing loud as owt and in fancy dress - mexicans, elvis's, robots, blues brothers were all in attendance. we could see father Billy to our left in the home end all eight of them were their but not all seated together but as the game was only 5 minutes old one by one they were evicted by the local police; I blame one of them for wearing a Sunderland top what a wally and asking to be thrown out. A call to nephew Billy from father Billy confirmed that they had been evicted and could not get back in so it was a 20 minute hike to a local pub for more bevvie for father Billy; as the match progressed we wished we had followed father Billy to the pub. It was total shite just like Everton away - players should concentrate on doing their bit for the team and fans instead of making up words in local papers saying that they will give their all on the last two games - shite bloody shite with not one piece of class in all the 90 minutes. We all trundled down the steps at the end of the game beaten 2:0 by a very ordinary team that we should have at least competed against; oh well at least cousin Billy enjoyed his pie.
After a call to father Billy we found he had managed a lift from the pub in a jaguar with a man and his wife (not sure how he managed this but at least he was at the slip road on time and in one piece). I want me money back was his cry as he had only seen 5 minutes of the match - you were lucky as it was 5 minutes too long was cousin Billy's reply. So big Al took us back to the hotel - everyone except uncle Billy went to the rooms to change, uncle Billy preferring to have a few pints of cider before embarking on a change of clothing. All were assembled at the bar and with his pickled onions still repeating nephew Billy kept reminding uncle Billy that he would be left if he he didn't get changed NOW! Uncle Billy decided to heed the warning and went up stairs to put a new shirt on, his dancing shoes and the dressings around his old man.
At 20.00 we were on our way to the bright lights of Royton a BNP area of Oldham. pleased none of us were black!
First pub and it was a wine bar - uncle Billy and father Billy were propped up against the bar and introduce themselves to the bar staff - there was Kirsty, Captain Nemo (aka Paul) and young Robbie who may have been a poof as he had no woman in tow or even looked close to having one. After about 2 wines the two Billy's introduced themselves to the doorman Jacko from Manchester who was the boss of the local security in and around Oldham, good wages, free beer and food can't be bad with the added bonus of meeting up with the Billy's for the night. A black girl (no not the black pearl) but a young lady who introduced herself as Mirawamba and asked uncle and father Billy what their names were Jimwamba and Kennywamba was the reply - bar staff at this stage were weeing themselves with laughter. Father Billy even followed her into the kitchens and asked if she had finished work to be told she had finished several minutes ago and now Mirawamba was on a wander ..... down the road so father Billy had missed his chance of securing yet another black girl into his portfolio. As the other Billy's had left by now uncle Billy and father Billy decided to leave the wine bar and head for the next pub up the street. Here they met up again with the Billy's and a quick look round saw a local lady with the best pair of knockers seen so far, upon leaving uncle Billy informed her of the fact at which point she thanked the Billy's for the vote of appreciation. Once outside nephew Billy and uncle Billy met a girl from Easington that nephew Billy knew as she had moved into the area a few years ago. This blonde was not amused when she saw father Billy in the pub was it his looks. or his gropping or had she already had a previous encounter with father Billy? We never found out. Another pub and another wine and a few more pints saw uncle Billy chucked out for making an allegation to a local guy that he was a drug pusher, nephew Billy took the view that he was okay and was just rolling his own - in a pub? thought smoking was banned anyway the landlady was having no more and uncle Billy and nephew Billy went for the exit. By now uncle Billy's head was not as it should be and nephew Billy said to the rest of the Billy's that he would see uncle Billy home it was well past 12.30 and uncle Billy could not even remember phoning Mrs Billy and having a shite in a pub in full view of the customers using the loo well at least he used the cubicle and not the urinal. Not sure how and when we all got back to the hotel, perhaps another Billy may fill in the gaps but apparently we had a kebab and both nephew and young nephew Billy were kept awake by uncle Billy's snoring all night.
The next morning it was up for breakfast but father Billy and uncle Billy remained in the room, father Billy was in for a snuggle but uncle Billy was having none of it. Cousin Billy brought toast and served it through the window for father Billy while uncle Billy still suffered from a huge hangover was he still pissed - yes he was.
Anyway he eventually made it to the breakfast area and ate alone with father Billy arriving for another piece of toast. Nephew Billy must have had more pickled onions as he kept repeating again - haw'ay if you are not out soon I am leaving you and this is not funny it's 9.00 and we are still here we should be on the road home by now. Uncle Billy again surrendered and with a cup of coffee and two pieces of toast in his hand went out to get in the Kia. Repeating from nephew Billy started again - uncle Billy threw his toast away for the birds - nephew Billy clashing his door shouting this is the last time he will go away and stay over with uncle Billy again. uncle Billy replied that it was only 9.20 and he thought we were going to a car boot sale on the way back. Nephew Billy said he had all sorts to do when he got back and needed to be back early - like what uncle Billy enquired - I have to take the dog out replied nephew Billy so what I have to take my 4 dogs out replied uncle Billy ah but I have to give mine it's tablet as he has a bad leg nephew Billy responded - fucking hell it must be on disability just like nephew Billy said uncle Billy. Anyway as we hit the M62 motorway the slagging match eased off and we went back home still the best of friends and the Billys were still in tact for another season next year.
It was no taking the dog out or giving it the tablet for nephew Billy when he got home he picked up father Billy and they headed for Q Hill club talking about meeting someone from Hull that smelt of kippers! Cousin Billy went home to his mansion with private number plates on each car to send a few text messages to uncle Billy about someone called Zimwamba - most have been another black girl he had met, uncle Billy had his dinner went to bed and dreamt of the car boot sale that never was all due to a dog that needed a tablet but ended up not getting one.
Oh well and eventful trip away, shite game, bad head but at least the chin was intact this time. Bring on the transfer activity and next seasons fixtures!

Uncle Billy expressing his views for the Billy's of the Coxhoe Branch

Message from Roy as we are shite on final game away

Dear Coxhoe Branch,
We were sloppy to say the least. We had a good chance to get back in it through Kenwyne and we didn't take it. We gave the ball away too cheaply, particularly in the middle of the park.
I don't care what stage of the season it is, it's not acceptable. We gave bad goals away and I've been saying it for 38 weeks, we need to improve. I made three substitutions today and I could have made 10.
We've lost 22 games this season and people keep telling me we've had a good season. When you lose 22 games, you are lucky to be in a job. When I'm on my holidays, I'll be thinking about those 22 defeats.
We need to learn to get results when we're not playing well.
Today was a challenge and it just confirmed what I was thinking anyway - that we're short.
Survival is not a word I like using. People are getting fed up of me saying the same things, I sound like an old record player. There will be changes in the summer.
I've been very patient and kind to some of my players. Today just confirms what I've been thinking. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe if we had won today and we beat Arsenal next week I'd be thinking we were not bad.
We're not great and we need more quality. There's no questioning the players' commitment and desire, but at this level we need quality. Players were constantly giving the ball away when under no pressure.
Take nothing away from Bolton, they made it hard for us - they had more men in their team.
We got safe last week but that was last week. What do we do, celebrate all summer?
Survival is not a word we want to be using next year. I want to think bigger than that.
We need to invest and do it wisely and we need to move people on. You want certain characters at your football club.

Thanks for your support,

Roy Keane
Bolton 2 Sunderland 0 Click here to visit the Match Centre.
Next match:Sunderland v Arsenal, Sunday May 11 (3pm) Buy tickets

Monday, April 28, 2008

Message from Roy as we are safe for one more season at least!!

Dear Coxhoe Branch,
It's great - better than last weekend, let me tell you.
The game summed up our season. We started badly, gave a bad goal away, recovered, scored a couple of good goals and then the late goal from Daryl.
It was a rollercoaster game and it's been a rollercoaster season.
The players deserve real credit, they have been brilliant. In terms of desire and attitude, I think we'll be top of the league.
I've said that I felt this season was one of the biggest in the club's history - because of its yo-yo history, we needed the stability and we need to build.
Hopefully this will give us a chance to move on, strengthen in the summer and take it from there.
I'm glad we did it at home today. Last year when we got promoted we were not playing. This is nice because we were all together at the Stadium of Light. The fans have shared it, it's been a very good day.
We've scored in injury time again today and I don't know how many points those late goals have been worth this season.
We've had an unbelievable amount of injuries and hopefully we'll have a sronger squad to deal with it next season.
The next challenge is to improve the squad and finish higher in the Premier League. We want to be bigger, better and stronger next season.
We've got two games to go and we're still confident we can get a few more points on the board and finish as high as possible.
It's been a proper rollercoaster. I've been on some at Alton Towers and it doesn't touch this job.
I was disappointed with the reaction of certain people after the Newcastle game and hopefully we have answered them today.
It was a cracking game and credit to Middlesbrough - hopefully they wil get enough points to stay up, I'm sure they will.
The atmosphere was cracking today and credit to both teams and both sets of supporters for that.
We had great spirit here, a good dressing room. If we hadn't, we would have been knackered. That kept us going, a good dressing room.
We'll still go to Bolton looking to get a result, we've got to be fair to the other teams in the league, we're certainly not downing tools.
Promotion last year was great, staying here this year is progress and that's what we wanted. This year was a massive learning curve for everyone.

Thanks for your support,

Roy Keane
Sunderland 3 Middlesbrough 2
Next match:Bolton v Sunderland, Saturday May 3 (3pm).
Next home match:Sunderland v Arsenal, Sunday May 11 (3pm).

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Message from Roy as we get beaten against the Scum

Dear Coxhoe Branch,

I'm disappointed with the way we started and disappointed we couldn't get to half-time just 1-0 down.

At this level you can't afford to give the goals away that we gave away.
We made it very hard for ourselves, particularly with the second goal just before half-time. What we need to do is stop gifting teams goals.
Newcastle will look at their first goal as a good goal but from our point of view it was poor, we have ourselves to blame.
My players understood how important the game was. I'm not going to question my team's desire, we just gave away bad goals.
In the second half, it would have been nice if we had scored one to make it interesting but it wasn't to be.
We've got a lot of hard work ahead and that hasn't changed. It makes next weekend that more important.
The injuries didn't help. We lost three players in the last two days but you can't make excuses. We gave the ball away cheaply for both goals and you get punished.
I know they'll [the fans] be disappointed but we have to bounce back. We've had a major set-back today and we have to get back at it next weekend.
Michael's [Owen] record speaks for itself. He's got more goals at international level than all my players put together but if you give away one or two chances you are going to get punished.
I thought Kenwyne did OK, but OK is not good enough. We got some decent support up to him.

Thanks for your support,

Roy Keane

Newcastle 2 Sunderland 0Click here to visit the Match Centre.

Next match:Sunderland v Middlesbrough, Saturday April 26 (3pm). Ticket news

Friday, April 18, 2008


Dear Members,

The committee have agreed that the coach will be free to existing members who have been regular fare paying passengers to the SOL. Other non members must have travelled at least 5 times to qualify for the free coach fare. There will be a free raffle for juniors and adults for prizes appropriate for each age group. This goodwill gesture has been made possible by the members who have purchased football teams on the football card.

Thank you for your continued support.

Question from Brian as he warms up for Mags game - with answer from me Click on this title for a link to the RTG forum page and replies to Brian


This is a proper away game so I'll still need to pack some bait. There are several factors to consider

Normal "bait to beer" ratio is 2 buns and a litre per pint, 1 scotch egg per 2 pints and a pork pie for every 4 pints. Plus crisps and pop ('ad hoc' - no official ratio)
We'll be drinking early which can affect the metabolism
No chance of fish and chips on the way to the ground
No food to be eaten in the ground, the dirty Mag bastards serving on might have hockled on it
There's a lot of stairs, need to be well fortified for the climb and to combat altitude sickness
Might get chased so need to strike a happy medium between energy levels and not being overloaded (!)
Standing all game consumes energy plus no chance for a nap
A long journey home with high energy levels needed to celebrate victory
What do you reckon? I value you opinion in these matters.

The big match build up is well underway. Haway the Lads!

Regards Brian

My reply was:-

Dear Brian,

Suggest your day will probably run like this:-

8.00 Breakfast of eggs, bacon, sausage and 2 slices of bread (fired bread if fat is still hot) plus a cup of tea to make sure all the fat does not congeal in your gut.
9.00 Set off for Fishburn-by-the Coke works, Mrs M at the wheel packet of crisps and a bottle of water just to buy sometime while being chauffeured to the Beehive
9.10 start with a pint of beer and craic with Clive and his mob. Lights flash on and off trumpets sound as Kenny and Butch enter; Kenny assesses if there is any available talent looking for a bit of Kella sausage al a blue tablet.
10.00 after 4 pints and a bacon buttie free from the landlord everyone gets on the Griersons Luxury Coach for the journey to the SOL.
10.35 arrive at the SOL. Chrissie, Millers and Dec look-a-like brings plenty of beer to drink while waiting at the SOL. You decide to have another can to buy sometime while you queue at the burger bar to buy a steak sandwich with plenty of mustard; if you buy a hotdog as well will you get discount???
10.55 last piss at the SOL
11.00 Set off for Scumland.
12.30 Arrive at Scumpark after having another bottle of water and one of Mrs M’s packed luncheon meat sandwiches, you let out a belch and a fart as you get off the coach.
12.40 to kick off shouts of who ate all the pies are heard and you look over your shoulder to see who everyone is singing about you select one person wearing a black and white scarf that is bigger around the midriff and once you have your breath back from all those stairs you continue the singing – “WHO ATE ALL MY PIES”
13.30 kick off and you want a pee, so go down the 39 steps (or so) and get to the pee hoose and relieve yourself but cannot pass the pie shop and ask for a steak and spit pie with brown sauce.
13.40 while you are scaling the steps back to your seat the mags have a goal disallowed apparently due to the Mackem pie eater not being around and Owen was in front of him in the queue for the pies.
13.50 you put your hands in your pocket and surprisingly find a packet of cheesy quavers and devour them before anyone can ask for one.
14.15 All square at half time you ask Stevie to bring you a pie back.
14.45 the lads score – Kenwyne heads home from a cross by Reid everyone goes ballistic you celebrate by opening a packet of mints.
15.10 the scum get a penalty as Collins brings down Martins, Martins actually has tripped over a blade of grass left after the last penalty against the Lads. Owen scores after a rebound.
15.15 It’s all over 1: 1 and you finish off your last mint of the day and get pushes all the way down the stairs.
15.35 Back on the coach after going through a gauntlet of abuse you breathe in incase that mag you were singing who ate all my pies to sees you and returns the compliment.
15.40 coach pulls away and you get one of Mrs M last luncheon meat sarnie out of the packet, not bad this Aldi stuff you think to yourself while downing another bottle of water.
16.30 Mrs M waiting for you at the crossroads and as you get in the Mitton mansion you are very disappointed not at the result but that Mrs M has not bothered to have fish and chips waiting on the table for your return, disgusted you go for a lie down but cannot get to sleep. You lie for a while then decide to try the old method of dropping off to sleep – counting the pies coming out of the hot oven 1, 2 , 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 – snoring your head off by now
19.45 Where’s me bloody fish and chips woman!

Monday, April 14, 2008


This month our branch is covered in the ALS a two page spread be buggered. It is a good read and the ALS is always a great bargain at £2 so please buy a copy and read the edited version. The black pearl can be found in the archives of this blog including pictures!

Message from Roy with only 4 games to go

Dear Coxhoe Branch,
It was a poor afternoon. The game wasn't great and we gave some bad goals away. At 1-1, I would have taken the point.
At the time I wasn't sure if it was a penalty, but having seen it again it clearly wasn't. There was no contact.
All the players should be disappointed, we have got to do better. It was possibly coming after three wins.
If I've said it once, I've said it a million times - we've got hard work ahead. Maybe people took their eye off the ball because they have plugged into people saying we're safe and let's look at next season.
We might have slackened of four or five per cent and you can't do it. We started badly, we keep making it hard for ourselves. I could have almost predicted what was going to happen.
People need to start listening to me, not looking ahead to next season. We're in for some tough games.
City have some good players but we gave them a helping hand. I substituted Kieran [Richardson] and he was the unlucky one because I could have taken seven or eight off.
We all need to do better, it's as simple as that. We'll learn from it. I didn't enjoy watching it and I'm sure the supporters didn't. We've got hard work ahead.
Thanks for your support,
Roy Keane

Sunderland 1 Manchester City 2 Click here to visit the Match Centre

Next match:Newcastle v Sunderland, Sunday April 20 (1.30pm)
Next home match:Sunderland v Middlesbrough, Saturday April 26 (3pm) Ticket news