The Defeat of the Hartlepool Regiment at Cardiff 29th May 2005

Roll call commenced at 06.10 hours with Colonel in Chief Jim Gilling and Corporal John Gilling meeting outside of The Avenue Barracks, Coxhoe. We set off on our mission to Cardiff first picking up Major Jack Turton, Sergeant Robbie Turton and Private Ian Wheatley at around 06.20 hours. Corporal John Gilling took over driving the unmarked field car as the Colonel in Chief was still under the weather from a heavy nights drinking in the Coxhoe Officers Mess Hall on Saturday night. However it was clear that Corporal John Gilling was either struggling at the many enemy cameras or the fact that he is a qualified army driving instructor as he kept to the speed limits observed in the UK. So to avoid being late for the assault Colonel in Chief Jim Gilling took over at a refuel station named Woodhall Services. At a better pace and not observing the speed limits we made a quick journey to Cardiff arriving at our target point at 11.10 hours. At this point we decided to take in some rations and drinks with Major Turton filling his combat jacket with cans of Carling lager for refreshments until the refueling stations were open. Sergeant Robbie Turton, who attended University obviously did not pick much country knowledge up in his training years as when Major Turton pointed out that Wales had strange licensing laws especially on Sundays and the fact some places did not sell beer at all, Sergeant Turton replied what about lager will they still sell lager? Very strange indeed young man, very strange indeed!
As the Colonel in Chief walked about wearing his red and white stripped anti-flack shirt some of the Sheffield Wednesday regiment either mis-took him for a Blade (Sheffield's other well known regiment) or were heard to say I thought the Sunderland regiment went up or didn't they - are they playing in tomorrows play off? We soon found a suitable refueling station named Callahans and stood outside watching the enemy who looked very subdued and worried. Colonel in Chief Jim Gilling made a call into HQ and contacted the Sedgefield Colonel in Chief Clive Dent who arranged to meet up once they were clear of sniper fire.
We headed for a refueling station called the City Tavern as Sergeant Robbie Turton had received a call on his field "bluetooth" phone that some of the Coxhoe regiment were outside having a drink. As we passed a refueling station called Wetherspoons it seemed like the whole of the Hartlepool regiment were out on the streets without a care that the enemy were only around the corner. They were kicking what appeared to be bouncing bombs as used by the dam busters in the air - we walked steadily passed incase any of them went off. Colonel in Chief Gilling was either greeted by the Hartlepool regiment like he did when we freed the French in Paris - with hand shakes saying thanks for being here to chants of Mackem Bastard from the not so friendly division of the Hartlepool regiment. We met up with the rest of the Coxhoe regiment who were taking on a lot of rations in the form of Smirnoff Ice. However as it was difficult to speak over the noise of all the Hartlepool soldiers we decided to retreat back over enemy lines to Callahans and met up with the Sedgefield regiment. We stayed and discussed a strategy plan for the rest of the day and later headed for the target area near our advancement point at GATE 2. We entered a refueling station called the Staff Club and at only £1.47 a pint it was well worth the £1.00 pass fee. Here we met up with ex. Commando Marcus Stewart's best Coxhoe mate Bobby "The Wanker" Orton as his son stated. His son was a bit chewed off as Bobby has made him wear the Hartlepool regiment colours instead of the usual Sunderland regiments. Also inside the Staff Club were members of the West Ham regiment - one coloured guy with gold teeth invited our regiment into the Wakefield pub if we make an assault on Upton Park next year - I invited them also to our refueling station The Fort if they win their battle against the Preston Regiment. So it was off to the battle at 14.10 hours, Major Turton and Colonel Gilling were already in position located behind the goal target. Must say that inside the target area was impressive but behind the scenes there was blank concrete walls that appeared to be suffering from years of battle scars. At 15.00 hours battle commences - first 15 minutes the Sheffield regiment were winning all the battles but not hitting the main target the net behind the Hartlepool huge goalkeeper and his two outstanding soldiers Privates Nelson and Westwood. Our own Private Robson did not assist the battle cause too much and appeared to be suffering from battle nerves or possibly the slight war wound we heard he picked up on the last yomp before heading for Cardiff. Nearly half way through the battle and the Sheffield regiment broke through the Hartlepool lines and with a swift maneuver they hit the target and started war crys off at the other end of the target zone.
At the start of the second assault the Hartlepool regiment had obviously re-grouped as they were stronger winning most of the battles and finally broke through the wilting lines of the Sheffield regiment to hit the target and bring the battle to a draw. Then after a few more minutes and a good replacement soldier now on the field the Hartlepool regiment hit the target again and were now only a matter of minutes away from the battle finish. Alarmingly the followers of the Hartlepool regiment went very quiet infact extremely quiet - had they seen something we hadn't or were they just in a state of shock knowing that they were on the road to victory? Then calamity one of the best soldiers on the battle field Private Westwood touched one of the Sheffield soldiers on the back and he went down like he was hit by sniper bullet - the Field Marshall gave a free sniper shot at the target for the Sheffield regiment and worst was to follow - he arrested Private Westwood and ordered him back to barracks - not without Private Westwood letting the Field Marshall know that he questioned if there was a name for his father on his birth certificate. The free sniper shot hit the target coming off and wounding the Hartlepol goalkeeper. Now the Hartlepool regiment were really up against it 11 v 10 not a good battle statistic. So it was into 30 minutes final assault and during these minutes sadly the Hartlepol regiment faced defeat full in the face with a further direct hit on target in the first 15 minutes of the assault and then in the final minutes another hit on target so the Hartlepool regiment went down on their knees with exhaustion or disbelief at what had happened on the battle field. One thing both the Colonel in Chief Jim Gilling and Major Jack Turton remarked upon after the battle was that both regiments would struggle in the Championship and that there were equally good regiments who has gone out of the Championship. The Sheffield regiment will struggle to survive next year unless an injection of cash is made but considering the Government cut backs on Defence spending things are not looking too good for them next year.
So we headed back to the field car and very briefly passed some of the enemy who instead of being full of joy at the battle win they were looking glum - perhaps they all knew what the Colonel in Chief and the Major had just discussed.
We had a quick intake of rations before heading back to barracks at 18.10 hours and with the Colonel in Chief Jim Gilling at the wheel we arrived back at the barracks safe and sound at 22.30 hours. The Major was dropped off at the officer's mess hall and got two pints in, the Colonel in Chief joined him once the field car was parked up at his barracks. It was now quite clear from messages received on the field phones that we were seen in action by the viewers of Sky TV - we may need to take evasive action as our identity must remain a secret as our regiment moto has to be protected ""Consectatio Excellentiae" - "In pursuit of excellence".

Colonel in Chief
Jim Gilling