Question from Brian as he warms up for Mags game - with answer from me Click on this title for a link to the RTG forum page and replies to Brian

Guys

This is a proper away game so I'll still need to pack some bait. There are several factors to consider

Normal "bait to beer" ratio is 2 buns and a litre per pint, 1 scotch egg per 2 pints and a pork pie for every 4 pints. Plus crisps and pop ('ad hoc' - no official ratio)
We'll be drinking early which can affect the metabolism
No chance of fish and chips on the way to the ground
No food to be eaten in the ground, the dirty Mag bastards serving on might have hockled on it
There's a lot of stairs, need to be well fortified for the climb and to combat altitude sickness
Might get chased so need to strike a happy medium between energy levels and not being overloaded (!)
Standing all game consumes energy plus no chance for a nap
A long journey home with high energy levels needed to celebrate victory
What do you reckon? I value you opinion in these matters.

The big match build up is well underway. Haway the Lads!

Regards Brian

My reply was:-

Dear Brian,

Suggest your day will probably run like this:-

8.00 Breakfast of eggs, bacon, sausage and 2 slices of bread (fired bread if fat is still hot) plus a cup of tea to make sure all the fat does not congeal in your gut.
9.00 Set off for Fishburn-by-the Coke works, Mrs M at the wheel packet of crisps and a bottle of water just to buy sometime while being chauffeured to the Beehive
9.10 start with a pint of beer and craic with Clive and his mob. Lights flash on and off trumpets sound as Kenny and Butch enter; Kenny assesses if there is any available talent looking for a bit of Kella sausage al a blue tablet.
10.00 after 4 pints and a bacon buttie free from the landlord everyone gets on the Griersons Luxury Coach for the journey to the SOL.
10.35 arrive at the SOL. Chrissie, Millers and Dec look-a-like brings plenty of beer to drink while waiting at the SOL. You decide to have another can to buy sometime while you queue at the burger bar to buy a steak sandwich with plenty of mustard; if you buy a hotdog as well will you get discount???
10.55 last piss at the SOL
11.00 Set off for Scumland.
12.30 Arrive at Scumpark after having another bottle of water and one of Mrs M’s packed luncheon meat sandwiches, you let out a belch and a fart as you get off the coach.
12.40 to kick off shouts of who ate all the pies are heard and you look over your shoulder to see who everyone is singing about you select one person wearing a black and white scarf that is bigger around the midriff and once you have your breath back from all those stairs you continue the singing – “WHO ATE ALL MY PIES”
13.30 kick off and you want a pee, so go down the 39 steps (or so) and get to the pee hoose and relieve yourself but cannot pass the pie shop and ask for a steak and spit pie with brown sauce.
13.40 while you are scaling the steps back to your seat the mags have a goal disallowed apparently due to the Mackem pie eater not being around and Owen was in front of him in the queue for the pies.
13.50 you put your hands in your pocket and surprisingly find a packet of cheesy quavers and devour them before anyone can ask for one.
14.15 All square at half time you ask Stevie to bring you a pie back.
14.45 the lads score – Kenwyne heads home from a cross by Reid everyone goes ballistic you celebrate by opening a packet of mints.
15.10 the scum get a penalty as Collins brings down Martins, Martins actually has tripped over a blade of grass left after the last penalty against the Lads. Owen scores after a rebound.
15.15 It’s all over 1: 1 and you finish off your last mint of the day and get pushes all the way down the stairs.
15.35 Back on the coach after going through a gauntlet of abuse you breathe in incase that mag you were singing who ate all my pies to sees you and returns the compliment.
15.40 coach pulls away and you get one of Mrs M last luncheon meat sarnie out of the packet, not bad this Aldi stuff you think to yourself while downing another bottle of water.
16.30 Mrs M waiting for you at the crossroads and as you get in the Mitton mansion you are very disappointed not at the result but that Mrs M has not bothered to have fish and chips waiting on the table for your return, disgusted you go for a lie down but cannot get to sleep. You lie for a while then decide to try the old method of dropping off to sleep – counting the pies coming out of the hot oven 1, 2 , 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 – snoring your head off by now
19.45 Where’s me bloody fish and chips woman!