Nearly United

"...Sky news have just reported that Freddie Shepherd gave a statement to the stock exchange this morning at 9.18 am regarding Newcastle UTD PLC nearly signing David Beckham, Dirk Kuyt, Tevez and Mark Viduka. The statement was greeted with astonishment and then a deathly hush descended on the floor as the fat Geordie Chairman proudly pronounced the shock transfers who he nearly signed for the club. Newcastle UTD shares rocketed to £1.81 on hearing the news of these near signings.

Jose Mourinho was quick to reply on Sky Sports News about the statement.He said "how can Chelsea complete with Newcastle on these terms, they are nearly buying all the top players, I see reports on TV that they nearly signed David Beckham and then only 24 hours later Fat Freddy tells the stock exchange that they nearly bought Dirk Kuyt in the summer, It is just spoiling game!.

Sir Alex Ferguson was also quick to comment "this is just ridiculous that Newcastle are once again nearly signing all the top players available, they nearly signed Wayne Rooney and they nearly signed Ronaldo!..the whole thing needs sorting out or else Newcastle Utd nearly signing players policy will ruin our beautiful game!. A spokesman from Newcastle UTD PLC said these words in retaliation "I have heard Jose mourinhos and Alex Fergusons comments, just because we are actively nearly signing the top players in the world does not mean that we are spoiling the game, just raising the standards of nearly signing players, these players were nearly signed but remember we nearly signed Wayne Rooney, Ronaldinho, Zidedine Zidane, Ronaldo.

Outside St James park a crowd of 4 gathered on hearing the shock news, one fan called Keegan Beardsley who had just paid £33 for a shirt worth £2 and the words "nearly Beckham! proudly displayed on the back, had this to say via an interpreter (no one could understand him)! Arl reet dee yee smerk tarbs? Wore gannin pleeces this cloob...wore nearly gannin to get Christiano Ronaldo next week like!..."