Well it was the last away game of the 2007/2008 season and for once we were not looking over our shoulders and biting those already heavily bitten finger nails; we were safe from the dreaded drop and could relax a little.
Nephew Billy decided to drive and brought with him little nephew Billy and picked up father Billy before dropping into
Coxha to pick up uncle Billy who decided to bring with him an assortment of top rated
CD's all with
SAFC in mind to raise expectations for a great day and night out. We picked up cousin Billy at the posh end of Bishop
Middleham and dropped down onto the A1(M) at about 10.45.
The
craic was good until uncle Billy decided to stick in the first CD of his most sought after collection -
Mackem Music. After fully playing the first few tracks it was skip to the next one and the next one until the CD was finished; uncle Billy's taste was not to the liking of the other Billy's cries of "crap" and "are they making up the words" were heard from all sections of the brand new
Kia motor nephew Billy had bought out of his pocket money. So it was back to Radio 2 and Jonathon "Fucking" Ross for the rest of the way down to
Oldham that was to be our location for the week-end.
We arrived at the Inn Keepers lodge
Oldham about 12.30 too early for checking in so it was straight to the bar - uncle Billy decided on a cider while the other
Billy's chose their normal tipple of cold lager. A quick call to the local taxi cab and we were off to a local watering house that had been frequented by father Billy and nephew Billy and possibly little nephew Billy as once we were in the bar it was like meeting old friends for the three of them; uncle Billy and cousin Billy found a spot near the big screen as Man U were already beating West Ham 1:0. Uncle Billy had brought with him some home made bacon butties so he and cousin Billy scoffed into them as Man U went 3 up before the butties were down our necks. The other Billy's were at the bar in good voice as they discussed what they had been
upto since their last visit and the annual pilgrimage
Tenerife. Uncle Billy had another whisky before half time when it was announced grub was being served for nowt in the adjoining lounge. Off went cousin Billy like a shot' the carpet nearly catching fire due to the speed of his feet, it was
chilli-con-
carne with bread pieces. Uncle Billy decided on another whisky and as the
chilli smelt good decided to detour through the lounge and filled up his plate. Great
chilli nice and spicy that left a tingle on your tongue perhaps too hot as it seemed to leave a
burning feeling all over but that did not stop
cousin Billy going in for seconds and a few more pieces of bread. By the time we had our fill the Man U game was over and they had won to probably ensure the title was theirs as the scum will probably do okay at home to Chelsea (don't believe I am writing this) A taxi was called but we could only get 3
Billy's in as it was not a Billy carrier like we had ordered - where do you want to go was the question - the Inn Keepers lodge was our answer - blank look on the taxi drivers face so we told him to turn right at the lights and head for the roundabout. Luckily nephew Billy and little nephew Billy had cadged a lift from a friend and they passed us at the lights - follow that car we all shouted to the taxi driver!
So it was back to the hotel and a quick sup before meeting up with Derek and his son who had been to the Man U match nephew Billy phoned for Big Al to come and pick us up leaving little Billy in his room to watch the racing; it was about 16.00 and we were off to Bolton's ground. As we neared the ground we all thought that nephew Billy had been eating pickled onions as he kept repeating there's the ground on the right, there's the slip road were we will be dropped off and picked up and we will have to find a meeting point to meet up after the game.
We walked about 10 minutes from the slip road to the ground and as father Billy was in the home end we made sure he was safely in before we entered the away end; cousin Billy went in before us as he was either busting for a pee or he wanted to sly down a pie before we saw him
scranning again. It was a few flight of stairs up to the bar area - it was hot and crowded, met up with Stevie W who was moaning again about their trip and drink into Blackpool - calls of lost the plot and it took us ages to get their were still ringing in my ears as I looked for my seat. Cousin Billy was already seated and smiling when I took my seat next to him - was that gravy down his cheeks?
Game on and here we go the
Mackem's were happy, singing loud as
owt and in fancy dress -
mexicans,
elvis's, robots, blues brothers were all in attendance. we could see father Billy to our left in the home end all eight of them were their but not all seated together but as the game was only 5 minutes old one by one they were evicted by the local police; I blame one of them for wearing a
Sunderland top what a wally and asking to be thrown out. A call to nephew Billy from father Billy confirmed that they had been evicted and could not get back in so it was a 20 minute hike to a local pub for more
bevvie for father Billy; as the match progressed we wished we had followed father Billy to the pub. It was total shite just like
Everton away - players should concentrate on doing their bit for the team and fans instead of making up words in local papers saying that they will give their all on the last two games - shite bloody shite with not one piece of class in all the 90 minutes. We all trundled down the steps at the end of the game beaten 2:0 by a very ordinary team that we should have at least competed against; oh well at least cousin Billy enjoyed his pie.
After a call to father Billy we found he had managed a lift from the pub in a jaguar with a man and his wife (not sure how he managed this but at least he was at the slip road on time and in one piece). I want me money back was his cry as he had only seen 5 minutes of the match - you were lucky as it was 5 minutes too long was cousin Billy's reply. So big Al took us back to the hotel - everyone except uncle Billy went to the rooms to change, uncle Billy preferring to have a few pints of cider before
embarking on a change of clothing. All were assembled at the bar and with his pickled onions still repeating nephew Billy kept reminding uncle Billy that he would be left if he he didn't get changed NOW! Uncle Billy decided to heed the warning and went up stairs to put a new shirt on, his dancing shoes and the dressings around his old man.
At 20.00 we were on our way to the bright lights of
Royton a
BNP area of
Oldham. pleased none of us were black!
First pub and it was a wine bar - uncle Billy and father Billy were propped up against the bar and introduce themselves to the bar staff - there was
Kirsty, Captain
Nemo (aka Paul) and young Robbie who may have been a poof as he had no woman in tow or even looked close to having one. After about 2 wines the two
Billy's introduced themselves to the doorman
Jacko from Manchester who was the boss of the local security in and around
Oldham, good wages, free beer and food can't be bad with the added bonus of meeting up with the Billy's for the night. A black girl (no not the black pearl) but a young lady who introduced herself as
Mirawamba and asked uncle and father Billy what their names were
Jimwamba and
Kennywamba was the reply - bar staff at this stage were weeing themselves with laughter. Father Billy even followed her into the kitchens and asked if she had finished work to be told she had finished several minutes ago and now
Mirawamba was on a wander ..... down the road so father Billy had missed his chance of securing yet another black girl into his portfolio. As the other
Billy's had left by now uncle Billy and father Billy decided to leave the wine bar and head for the next pub up the street. Here they met up again with the
Billy's and a quick look round saw a local lady with the best pair of knockers seen so far, upon leaving uncle Billy informed her of the fact at which point she thanked the
Billy's for the vote of appreciation. Once outside nephew Billy and uncle Billy met a girl from
Easington that nephew Billy knew as she had moved into the area a few years ago. This
blonde was not amused when she saw father Billy in the pub was it his looks. or his
gropping or had she already had a previous encounter with father Billy? We never found out. Another pub and another wine and a few more pints saw uncle Billy chucked out for making an
allegation to a local guy that he was a drug pusher, nephew Billy took the view that he was okay and was just rolling his own - in a pub? thought smoking was banned anyway the landlady was having no more and uncle Billy and nephew Billy went for the exit. By now uncle
Billy's head was not as it should be and nephew Billy said to the rest of the Billy's that he would see uncle Billy home it was well past 12.30 and uncle Billy could not even remember phoning Mrs Billy and having a shite in a pub in full view of the customers using the loo well at least he used the cubicle and not the urinal. Not sure how and when we all got back to the hotel, perhaps another Billy may fill in the gaps but
apparently we had a kebab and both nephew and young nephew Billy were kept awake by uncle
Billy's snoring all night.
The next morning it was up for breakfast but father Billy and uncle Billy remained in the room, father Billy was in for a snuggle but uncle Billy was having none of it. Cousin Billy brought toast and served it through the window for father Billy while uncle Billy still suffered from a huge hangover was he still pissed - yes he was.
Anyway he eventually made it to the breakfast area and ate alone with father Billy arriving for another piece of toast. Nephew Billy must have had more pickled onions as he kept repeating again -
haw'ay if you are not out soon I am leaving you and this is not funny it's 9.00 and we are still here we should be on the road home by now. Uncle Billy again surrendered and with a cup of coffee and two pieces of toast in his hand went out to get in the
Kia. Repeating from
nephew Billy started again - uncle Billy threw his toast away for the birds - nephew Billy clashing his door shouting this is the last time he will go away and stay over with uncle Billy again. uncle Billy replied that it was only 9.20 and he thought we were going to a car boot sale on the way back. Nephew Billy said he had all sorts to do when he got back and needed to be back early - like what uncle Billy enquired - I have to take the dog out replied nephew Billy so what I have to take my 4 dogs out replied uncle Billy ah but I have to give mine it's tablet as he has a bad leg nephew Billy responded - fucking hell it must be on disability just like nephew Billy said uncle Billy. Anyway as we hit the M62 motorway the slagging match eased off and we went back home still the best of friends and the
Billys were still in tact for another season next year.
It was no taking the dog out or giving it the tablet for nephew Billy when he got home he picked up father Billy and they headed for Q Hill club talking about meeting someone from Hull that smelt of kippers! Cousin Billy went home to his mansion with private number plates on each car to send a few text messages to uncle Billy about someone called
Zimwamba - most have been another black girl he had met, uncle Billy had his dinner went to bed and dreamt of the car boot sale that never was all due to a dog that needed a tablet but ended up not getting one.
Oh well and eventful trip away, shite game, bad head but at least the chin was intact this time. Bring on the transfer activity and next seasons fixtures!
Uncle Billy expressing his views for the
Billy's of the
Coxhoe Branch
